We Gave Heaven A Free One
We were made to be a family. We have always known we are better together. I was destined to be a mom – I became one before I ever carried a baby in my womb.
Before we got married, I nervously told the man I loved that I had an acute form of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), a condition that affects your entire endocrine system. Women with PCOS have a high risk of miscarriage and infertility, and I’d always been so fearful of that. I knew the man I wanted to marry was made to be a father and didn’t know how he would react to this possibility.
I watched the news hit his father’s heart, and then a raw reaction came out of his mouth. Do you know what Chris Ladd said to me!?!
“I hope we never have a miscarriage, Kacy, but the way I look at it is like we’re giving heaven a free one.” I just stared… “Think about it. It’s like we’re populating heaven with God’s children who never had to experience sin or brokenness on earth.”
That was all it took for those niggling fears to be expelled.
We pre-decided to not be afraid.
We pre-decided that God is good, and He stays good.
We pre-decided that to be a family that sets our hearts and minds on heaven and not be deterred by what could happen or what does happen.
And then it happened.
Every morning for five weeks I woke up starving and smiling. I took 3 pregnancy tests and considered how many more I could reasonably take just to see the word “Pregnant”. I had apps and podcasts and a book about weightlifting while pregnant. I was so excited anytime I experienced an unpleasant pregnancy symptom because I was pregnant!
I was carrying a miracle. God’s hand was inside of me creating life. It was amazing… Until the day I started bleeding, and the miracle drained right out of me. My cramping, bleeding body defied creation’s design before we even got a chance to tell our moms.
Something so beautiful, so sacred, so protected inside of me collided with the brokenness of this world we inhabit and swept her away before we ever held her. I felt defiled. There were images I couldn’t un-see. I wanted to bow down and give in to the sorrow of loss. But we had pre-decided. I buried myself in the arms of the most handsome mustached dad you’ve ever known. And we re-decided.
We decided: Even when it hurts so bad, God is good.
Whether we are walking in the miraculous or death itself enters our family, God, You are good. You always were, and You always will be.
Heaven got a free one last week. A sweet baby girl was carried into heaven’s gates unblemished. She never had to know anything in this world except the safety and security of her mama’s womb.
Our perfect little Ladd baby has already left a legacy in our family. In holding her and letting her go, we are changed forever. We can say with resolution that we are a family who pre-decides and re-decides every time we need to that our God is good. We can rejoice, whether happy or sad, when heaven is populated. While she is rocked by angels in everlasting life, we get to give our lives on this earth for the purpose of populating heaven.