I Quit Peanut Butter
I don’t eat sugar. I have polycystic-ovarian syndrome. Without medication or suuuuuper vigilant monitoring, my blood sugar spikes and falls like a rollercoaster. But that is not why I don’t eat sugar.
In 2018, Chris and I fasted from sugar, dairy, processed foods, anything with flour, bastings, sauces, spice mixes, condiments, and even chocolate. In the beginning, it felt like continuous sacrificing. Everything was bland, and grocery shopping was nightmarish. I remember Chris getting actually mad at me one day when I reminded him the deli meat that was millimeters away from his mouth was off limits. And the day I came home with sugar-free peanut butter... we don’t need to talk about that day. We were constantly verbalizing the questions, “Can we eat this?” while reading labels and racking our brains for what we could actually eat.
Eventually, instead of feeling trapped by the parameters of the fast, we started feeling empowered and free. Our bodies were working better, and Chris was shedding weight quickly. (I didn’t lose a pound... Life is unfair.) It wasn’t the changes in our bodies that made us feel so free. It was the gradual change from the cans and can’ts to the do’s and don’ts.
“We can’t eat that.” shifted to “We don’t eat that.” Instead of the food rules being in control, we were in control. We weren’t victims to our fast, but we were free to be who we had pre-decided to be. It actually became a lot easier to live according to our pre-decisions than whatever happened to be in front of us. We started to see major change. Not just in our food, diet and health. But strongholds in other areas of life broke off. We shifted from circumstances calling the shots to letting our calling make the calls.
Our fast ended long ago, but I still don’t eat sugar. I never will again. It doesn’t serve my health well. My tastes have changed. But the real reason I don’t eat sugar is because I tasted freedom when I took control over a simple element of life. And there’s something so freeing about the finality of it.
What was once a very intentional and energy consuming choice is not at all anymore. I don’t even think about it, much less miss it or feel sorry for myself. Very often at a tea time, a celebration or just a meal shared with friends, some beautiful, amazing sugary treat are set before me. Someone always gives me a sympathetic glance and says, “Oh sorry. You can’t eat this.” And almost every time, I say, “I can. I just don’t.” And that feels great.
Recently, I started feeling overwhelmed and struggling mentally and emotionally. I started to feel like a victim to my circumstances. I found myself not taking time to have meals, but dipping a teaspoon into the sugar-free peanut butter jar to sustain me. I was just looking to meet an immediate need. To get full. To be satisfied. I wanted to soothe the wrinkles in my rumbly tummy and ease flustered soul with a creamy, dreamy treat. (Let it be known: peanut butter is in my top 3 along with dark chocolate and coffee.) There’s nothing wrong with sugar-free peanut butter. I wasn’t overeating. But I was definitely looking for comfort and satisfaction.
Peanut butter is not my comforter. It’s delicious, but it didn’t die to save me. It sounds silly that it became such a thing. It’s borderline embarrassing, and I didn’t even want to write about it. But I thought about how much the Bible talks about temptation and false comfort, and I suspect we all have a version of peanut butter. That thing we turn to, even subconsciously, to ease, distract, comfort, medicate, satisfy - whatever your verb of choice is.
So I made a decision. I couldn’t change the circumstances around me, but I made a decision that would take away an option to turn toward what was convenient. So, I sat down with a giant spoon of peanut butter and my cell phone. I texted Chris and told him that I was enjoying one last spoon of peanut butter because it is actually just so very delicious, and then I was quitting it. Forever. “I am no longer a person who eats peanut butter.” Poof. I just broke up with peanut butter 4-eva.
Did it change my life? No. The next day when I got emotional and hormonal, I carb-loaded like a monster mother. So let’s not pretend like I’ve solved all my problems or am the queen of self-control. But I AM a child of God, created for freedom that I can access all day, any day, and one day at a time no matter what is happening around me.
I don’t eat sugar. I don’t eat peanut butter. Those two sentences have nothing to do with my identity. But quitting them has been a practical and measurable way to take control over this mind and body God has entrusted me with. Quitting is so freeing!
I think we all have something we could let go of to gain more of our true selves back - whether it’s popcorn or porn, sugar or social media, whatever you turn to when your soul could find true satisfaction in God... QUIT IT.