This isn't working anymore.

Have you ever known "Smash Into A Wall Grace"? It's a real thing. Chris and I have learned over the years to think differently when life starts feeling upside down. We do a double-take when a perfectly life-giving routine suddenly feels like repeated toe-stubbing... or bull-dozing.

Chris and I were leading separate non-profits in rural South Africa before we met. We saw miracles, healings, and God did the unthinkable in and through us. When it was time to move on from those ministries, the beautiful weight He had entrusted us with felt like immovable boulders on our shoulders. Relationships took strain, finances stopped coming, and, eventually, we just had to call it. It was time for a change. It took that forced stop from God because we were so deeply invested in the people we were serving.

I raised Lifa on my own for my first five years in South Africa. I can't believe what we lived through when I look back now. I vividly remember the full days of intense ministry and long, hard nights alone in my cottage with Lifa. I was consumed with boundless joy day in and day out. It had to be God's supernatural strength that kept me going as a single parent on a dangerous, rural mission field through events I will probably never fully disclose. Chris came in like a knight in shining armor for both of us. "We're getting a dad!" The moment his helping, holding hands stepped in to our family was the moment mine couldn't bear to hold us together alone anymore. I felt unraveled and rescued at the same time. I had been so sovereignly held by God's astounding grace. It lasted until the very last second I needed it. And then it was gone in a flash so that we could make room for a dad to come in.

That's how God does it.

He gives us inexplainable grace for the season we're in when we lean into Him. When it's time for that season to change, he'll slip that steadfast grace right from under your feet. It'll make you dizzy. You might even think He's let you go. When I look back at theses stories and so many others, however, I see He never let go. He was saying, "Go! Go! Go!" the whole time. He was championing change for my good. He loves so hard He'll knock us off our feet.

For the last 2+ years, I've mommed hard all day with my two beautiful boys while trying to build up the church and a community of moms as much as I could along the way. Once Benjamin is asleep, I go straight to my computer and write or work until I fall into bed. It's worked beautifully! I've been able to do the things I value without taking time away from the kids. Last night, however, I sat in front of this computer with my head in my hands. I got in bed and told Chris, "I don't think working at night is working anymore." (Tonight, I motivated myself with the rest of my secret dark chocolate stash.)

"Not working anymore" are like key words for us. Once we hear them, we can immediately track with each other and see what God is doing. We talked through the grace we've become so comfortable with - the kind that pushes us along when something stops working.

It's time for a new season in the Ladd house. A baby on the way and a teen with evolving needs means evenings need an available and visible mom, not one who is overly tired and tied down to a computer screen. Our home needs a mom who is there to make snacks and catch any lingering teenage chatter - a mom who sets a peaceful tone and creates a safe space for a new season. Chris is looking for new rhythms too. Our church is ready to grow. Our home and church building are ready to hold more. We have no idea what the next year will look like or what changes to start making in our lives now. We never dreamt of a life that would look like this, so we're thrilled to imagine with God!

I was tempted to feel sorry for myself last night in my exhaustion, but my forehead in my palms is too familiar. "This isn't working anymore." As soon as I could say it, the God who has my name inscribed on the palm of His hand, the One who is working all things out for my good said, "Yes, beloved. Let's go."

Uncomfortable life seasons display the extravagant complexity of God's grace. If something is not working for you, lean in. You might just hear the heavens roaring, "Go! Go! Go!"