Sometimes I deal with nighttime anxiety.
Last night was one of those nights. I was up the WHOLE night, gripped with unexplainable panic. Sometimes those nights become beautiful nights of prayer. And some nights they are just long and painful becauseI can’t kick the claws of anxiety. I get frustrated with myself and start a vicious cycle of getting anxious about being anxious. Then sleep is impossible. It doesn’t happen often anymore, but last night was one of those disappointingly, long nights.
I wrote this at 1:30am:
It’s the middle of the night, and I’m on the couch. I just ate a spoonful of peanut butter (even though I technically quit peanut butter), and I’m making oats in the Instant Pot. I can’t sleep. Laying in bed was making things worse - making me disappointed in myself.
I was about to start writing that this is not ok. But maybe it is. Maybe it’s ok to have a sleepless night and to come into the Father’s presence to pray. To eat a little soul-nurturing snack. And to be ok with not being ok for a night. To be ok with a tired day tomorrow and a nap in the afternoon. To recognize the spiritual battle all around us is real and it is strong. And even to be a weak and broken person who doesn’t always win the battle or go back to sleep in God’s perfect peace.
I eventually got in bed, but never really slept. I ate a giant bowl of oatmeal at 2:30am. And, instead of taking an afternoon nap today, I held a SCUH-REAMING child who decided no one was going to rest.
You might not have the same battles I do, but there’s probably a battle that you could name right now that you just lose sometimes. We’ve all got a weak spot. I’ve got loads of them. I tend to look at myself with a pass/fail filter with no space for grace. If I can’t sleep - if I don’t recite the right Scriptures, pray the right prayers, or do whatever you’re supposed to do when you’re dealing with anxiety - I have failed. I am a therapist! I am trained for this!
Last night, I sat down to punish myself and pray my way out of my panic. I never really felt God’s peace come and there was no revelation, but I did have a change of perspective. I thought what if, just what if, I took the things that aren’t ok, all of my punishable offenses and let them be ok every once in a while. What if I ushered myself a 1-night peanut butter pass and took an afternoon nap instead of doing all those other things?
Some things are dangerous for ourselves and others and actually aren’t ok. I’m not talking about those things. I’m talking about the things that are really big to us, probably even because our hearts are set on something good. But maybe there’s something to practicing as much self-grace as self-discipline. Maybe there’s a whole new place of victory in loving yourself the way Jesus loves you. What do you think? I honestly don’t know. The night was long and the day was a borderline disaster because of it, so this is not a profound theological statement. I do believe that grace shines bright in the light, so if you give yourself a pass and some extra grace in an area of life, tell someone about it so you didn’t create unhealthy habits or let lying thoughts take over.
Jesus loves you with a love that knows no pass, fail, conditions or limitations. Make a mistake, have a bad night, and be so very loved. It’s ok.