It’s not a “two feet on the ground” kind of day.
Benjamin and I have been going on mini-adventures while Lifa is at school. Whenever weather permits, I grab a snack and scoot him out the door for a date with nature between his nap and Lifa’s school pickup time. Benjamin thrives in the outdoors. He goes crazy in the house, but once he’s set loose in wide open spaces, he comes alive. Mostly.
Every once in a while, he’s not into it. Today, we went back to the forest. Remember how much he loved the forest!?! I was so excited to set him free in the wild for a few minutes, and let him breathe in his dad’s favorite flavor of air: mountain air. That boy could not cope.
Last time we were there, he could not get unrestrained fast enough. I was running to keep up with him. Today, he screamed and kept one let hiked up in the air when I tried to set him down, making sure only one foot had to endure the trauma of the soft forest floor. I tried trail, gravel, rocks, and grass. Nope, nope, nope and nope. So I put him in the carrier, and let him go for a ride like a baby kangaroo. I even stooped down at one point to let his little shoes touch the ground without having any weight on them, but that was also a no. I tried to make the most of it, but I was actually a little worried about seeing my happy, brave boy so fearful and fragile.
Before we left, we pulled off a trail to investigate a tall pine tree. I let him feel the bark and picked up pine needles for him to touch. Gradually, I pulled him out of my pouch and sat on the pine needles with him in my lap. He started to get nervous, so I very quietly played a familiar worship song on my phone while I handed him sticks, rocks and pine needles. Eventually, he stood on his own for about three minutes of happy rock-throwing. Suddenly, he realized he was standing on his own two feet, and started crying and reaching for help again. I scooped him up, and we headed for the car, where I immediately sent my mom a voice message: “I know it’s 3:30am where you live, but is my baby ok!?! Do babies get anxiety!?!”
My baby is ok. Maybe babies do get anxiety. They’re people too. Or maybe he just needed a nap or a little extra time in his mama’s pouch. Maybe this was just not the day for exploring and adventures. The reason doesn't matter. We just needed to deal with today’s reality with lots of care and love - and lunch!
As I put Benjamin down for a nap this afternoon, I started thinking about how his day isn’t particularly unique to the human experience. Especially in this weird season the whole world is in. It’s easy for us to feel like we “should” be able to keep doing what we’ve always done or enjoy what we’ve always enjoyed before. We give ourselves a hard time when normal, daily life - even joyous parts - actually just lead to meltdowns (whether they are internal, external, or taste like dark chocolate and peanut butter).
The world looks like a post-apocalyptic movie right now with face masks and shields everywhere. The most frequent news is the death toll from an unstoppable virus. We haven’t seen our family or friends. We haven’t been touched. Finances, family, and even food prep feel harder right now. Depression and anxiety are on the rise. It seems like we’ve been doing this Corona thing for a long time.
We are like Benjamin. We are just people. You might be feeling a little extra anxiety. Or you might just need a nap. It might feel impossible to put your two feet on the ground and support your own weight. It might be shattering to walk through the wild, even if you’ve already been there before. It’s ok.
You can’t ride in your mama’s pouch, but what if you could let your Heavenly Father scoop you up and carry you when you just can’t bear to keep your feet on the ground? Could you give yourself permission and know it’s just one of those days or seasons? Maybe, if you took a load off those tired or fear-filled feet for a moment, you would find yourself ready to softly play a familiar worship song and let Him hand you one thing at a time to look at, think on, and feel. Maybe then you’d want to stand up for a minute and do something great - like chuck a rock. But then you might just need to be scooped back up and put down for a nap. It’s ok!
Sometimes finding a way to win is being really strong, disciplined, and overcoming obstacles. And sometimes it’s abandoning all the plans and expectations you had so you can operate within your capacity today. This is a weird time, and it’s ok to not be ok. Just don’t be “not ok” alone! Talk to someone who loves you. Ask for prayer. Send me a message if you don’t have someone to turn to!
