The Year of the Brave
There are 22 days left of 2018… and what a year it has been!
Just before the clock struck midnight on January 1, 2018, we made a big family decision: We were ready to have a Ladd-baby. Incredibly, we were pregnant just a few months later. Too soon after celebrating, however, we lost our first baby. In April, Annabel Brave Ladd went to heaven before we ever held her in our arms. It took months for my body to recover; my heart might always be healing.
As soon as my body was ready, we were pregnant again. It was a chemical pregnancy (very early miscarriage) in June. I had dreamt of the loss exactly as it happened two nights before another Ladd-baby left us. It was so short, I tried to convince myself it wasn’t a real pregnancy and wasn’t worth talking about. My inability to verbally process resulted in blinding heartache – and eventually the side of my Subaru wrapping around a pole that literally came out of nowhere on the most stressful day of my life. I now drive a super-embarrassing Mom car as the result of that fiasco.
Only a month later, however, we were pregnant again. Chris and Lifa have both been able to feel our baby boy kick, and we are praising God for 23 healthy weeks so far! I’m dreaming of just the right rocking chair and loving every little movement.
Today was supposed to be Annabel Brave’s due date. Today we were supposed to welcome a perfectly named, purposed and loved little Ladd girl into the world. As the sunsets on the wild ride that was 2018, I had to find a way to celebrate life, possibility and promise. It’s a birthday after all – and I love birthdays.
Lifa belly down while his buddy Jarryd tries to cope with the cold!
We made a last minute decision to head to the beach! I watched our first son, who has been petrified of water since I met him at age 2, splash, flop and giggle in the ocean. This boy with no birth certificate, no recognition as a human in his own country had deemed 2018 as “The Year of the Brave” in January. He decided to conquer his fears and become strong where he was weak. And oh my goodness, HE DID. Lifa crushed 2018, y’all. I learned a lot from him this year.
I thought about The Year of the Brave today while a little boy danced inside me and a big boy danced in the sand. You don’t get brave without a reason to need it. And you don’t need to be brave unless your life has a powerful reason for existing.
And it does. Every single one of them, regardless of whether we held them on earth or wrapped our car around a pole in their memory. Your life and your year matter more than you will ever be able to measure. Don’t take it for granted, and don’t let the year end without finding the value in it.
The Year of the Brave was full of life, loss, conquering, crying, incredible need, and being met in that need by the God who holds it all.
In the Year of the Brave, we won rugby “Forward of the Year”, learned how to swim, worked so hard academically, and doubled the size of our family – two in heaven and one growing right here with his mama.
2018, you stretched me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. My body, mind and heart went into uncharted places of need. But as we finish off the last three days of 5th grade and celebrate the end of another year, we are more brave. We are more aware of our need for God and each other, more aware of the frailty and value of life, and more thankful that God would trust us with this kind of bravery.
We don’t have to understand it all, but we trust You God.
Happy Birthday Annabel Brave!