The Cost and Reward of Cousins
I grew up surrounded by cousins. Vacations, holidays, sleepovers, Saturdays… anything fun happened with cousins in tow.
My cousin Carli has been my lifelong closest friend. We spent our childhood making radio shows, being fake Avon ladies on fake phones, coordinating jumpers and jellies, concocting absurd recipes for cooking shows, spying on the grown-ups with disposable cameras, feeding NaNa the yellow and green fruit snacks we didn’t like, and creating clubs, rules and games that always put our male cousin counterpart, Chaz, at an impossible disadvantage. We still find the occasional mix tape, hilarious photo, or the newspaper we created in the treasure trove of NaNa’s house – evidence of the precious gift of cousins.
I tried to explain cousins to Lifa before Bryan and Elijah came to visit. “It’s like having a best friend that is family. It’s THE BEST.” We hung Elijah’s name on the wall, bought the boys matching pajamas, and bantered over who was the most excited. (Definitely me.)
Bryan (Elijah's dad) is technically my second cousin. His side of the family was not part of the brood of cousins I grew up in. Bryan and his wife, Laura, adopted Elijah from Uganda in 2014. One year ago, Bryan and Laura moved to Jinja, Uganda to direct the baby cottage their children have been raised in. They committed to living in Uganda for a year to fulfill new requirements of Ugandan law to be eligible to adopt two more beautiful boys. Laura and the two youngest boys are finishing up the paperwork in Uganda. Bryan and Elijah have returned to Texas to prepare for the whole family’s homecoming and a new school year. On their way out of Africa, Bryan and Elijah came to Cape Town to see us. COUSINS!
One of our all-time favourite families. To learn more about the Chaffin family, click here!
Lifa is not able to travel outside of South Africa. He only knows those who come here. Grandparent love changed his life when Chris’ parents visited last year. We wondered if cousin love would have a similar effect.
Guys. It was magic. Actual, wonderful, jammie-matching, magic.
They met 3 minutes before this. You can't even handle this. I. CAN. NOT.
There have never been two more different boys on the planet. An artist and a mathematician. We wondered if it would be awkward. WASN’T. They side-hugged, ate Cheerios, and disappeared like a flash – bouncing between rooms and chattering incessantly. I quickly reverted to my 10-year old, cousin-loving self. Instead of a disposable camera, I snapped every sweet moment with my iPhone camera and sent the play-by-play to Laura in Uganda. Thankfully, both boys are used to moms and cameras. (They are just so handsome.)
Elijah started reading Lifa's library book aloud to him from right where Lifa left off. I was the invisible backseat passenger, obsessively taking photos and sending them to Uganda.
We took them all over Cape Town to show Bryan and Elijah the sites of our beautiful city. Lifa and Elijah didn’t see anything but each other. Occasionally, they discussed how they could recreate something they saw with Legos, but they really couldn’t be bothered with life outside of cousin-world. Meanwhile, I probably shut down the Internet in Africa while sending photos to Elijah’s mom.
We saw parts of Lifa that we haven’t before. A belonging, free, laughing, silly, family part of Lifa. He was living like he knew he didn’t have to prove anything. He already had a place in the family. He already mattered just for being who he was.
One of my favourite moments was when I went to pick the boys up from a morning holiday club (like a Vacation Bible School in the USA). Lifa was excited to introduce his cousin to his friends. A playful volunteer blocked the door when we were leaving, teasingly suggesting to Elijah he could not leave until he made sure Elijah was with the right parent. Unfazed, Elijah did a full-body “away with you” gesture, and proclaimed loud and proud, “WE ARE FAMILY.” Poof. The path opened. The boys bounded out, still blissfully unaware of everything but each other.
Elijah was standing on foreign soil. His family was splitting between two hemispheres for an unknown amount of time, and there was a stranger blocking his path. But he was with his family so nothing could stop him.
There is an innate understanding in these boys that made it easy to expect opposition to move out of their way. He was not surprised when the path opened. He actually didn’t even notice. The boys just kept going, kept chattering. They were ready for chicken burgers.
Family makes a way, and they knew it. It opens paths and makes you belong wherever you are. These boys understood each other on a level they may never consciously recognize. Their parents look like each other, and they look like each other. Their families are very different than other families and have made some intentional sacrifices and decisions. Elijah is missing his mom today, and Lifa is missing all the family he has and hasn’t met. Mine and Carli’s kids aren’t growing up together like we thought they would, and so on and so on… Yes, there is a cost.
But what a reward. Elijah and Lifa are two armed and equipped boys, grafted into a family that moves opposition, opens ways and makes you belong. And they’re only 10.
The good news is that story is for all of us. Through Jesus. Because of His sacrifice, we are all grafted in to a family that moves mountains and makes you belong, no matter your circumstances or your story.
I feel compelled to tell you today that we believe in you and your story. We believe in your value and specially-made place in the Family of God. If you want to know more about it, send us an email at chris@ladd.family or kacy@ladd.family. It would make our day!