Crying in the Closet
There is one thing I didn’t show you on the tour: our closet.
First, you should know that closets are almost non-existent in South Africa. If you’re lucky, you get a few built-in cupboards. Chris and I have never been able to fit both of our clothes in our bedroom before now. You can imagine the squeals of delight when we opened this little magic door in our bedroom…
And found THIS.
I love showing other women our closet. Almost all of them have said they’d get a chair and make it their special, safe place. “Sort out your life and your outfit of the day!” Lifa’s friend’s mom doubled over, shoved me and screamed, “NONSENSE!” Another friend’s jaw dropped to the ground and said, “This is every woman’s dream!”
Chris Ladd has been known to say, “We can never be people who don’t have a walk-in closet again. We were made for this.”
Until yesterday, I mostly just got dressed and did push-ups in there.
Yesterday we spent the day in our immigration lawyer’s office across the table from his big Ladd file. The short story of why we have such a tall file is that I was unknowingly issued a fraudulent volunteer visa, and we have been in a loooong appeal process. Our last shot at an appeal was just rejected, and we’ve got to continue into the thick of legal proceedings for me to be able to stay in South Africa and have the freedom to safely travel. Chris will post more details in our Ladd Family Friday Five – so if you don’t get those, sign up at the bottom of this story!
Reality hit hard in that lawyer’s office yesterday. As our lawyer scribbled out possibilities, measuring out high vs. low risk court options on his paper, my mind wandered from thinking on what God can do to thinking of what could happen to our family.
Lifa can’t leave. I can’t stay. What if our family gets split?
We were called here to plant a church here. We have to be able to live here.
We finally rushed out of the lawyer’s office to pick up my car, which had conveniently broken down the day before. Then I went straight to pick up Lifa, go to the grocery store, study for a science test, and just keep on momming. Finally, when Lifa was tucked into his studies, dinner was sorted, and Chris hugged me – I came to the end of myself. I went straight to that fabulous walk-in closet with a handful of tissue and cried until I ran out of tears.
I cried my eyes swollen, and Chris carried the burden of our family’s security right on his temples until a migraine started forming. Lifa was his perfect, happy, dancing self. As soon as we tucked him into bed at 8:30, we dropped ourselves into bed. It was just one of those days.
And then we got a text message from my pastor in Texas.
He went on to share that people around the world were gathering to pray for us. We had no idea.
Pastor Steven had posted a video on facebook that morning, calling out for prayer on behalf of our family and my visa. While we sat through hard conversations in a lawyer’s office, wondered what God was doing, and wept on my closet floor, there were already hundreds of people praying for us.
It’s easy to lose perspective when the circumstances seem impossible… When the burden feels so heavy, your eyes can’t physically bear the weight… When your promises in heaven seem so far away from earth, and you just don’t know what to do for your family.
I wonder what I looked like on my closet floor yesterday. (I intentionally left the light off so I would not know.) I think I might have looked like the man on the mat who just physically couldn’t get himself to his Redeemer. He just had to lay there and rely on the faith of his friends to break through a roof and get him to Jesus. I didn’t even know I was being carried. I was calling out to Jesus between sobs and science questions, and the Church was steadily, faithfully being the Church.
Today I’m thinking about the miracles that happened for the ones who couldn’t see how heaven was going to open up for them. Others ushered in miracles on their behalf - Jairus the hopeful father, the faithful centurion. Breakthroughs came by the faith of parents, friends, family members, the prayers of the saints and a faithful church.
I’m claiming your prayers today, Church. I’m claiming your heaven, and your faith as mine. I’m calling that tear-drenched closet floor as holy ground – a sacred mat where I was carried by the Church of faithful believers around the world.
Those initial reactions to our closet were right on – That kind of place in this world is every woman’s dream. It is nonsense – the same kind of perfectly loving nonsense as the Son of God coming to earth in the middle of our sin and becoming the curse so that we could be called pure. He died for me and for the good of my family. No weapon formed against me shall prosper.
Please keep praying with us for my fraudulent visa to be cleared and for me to be granted a new visa.
I emailed our lawyer today and told him I have committed to praying he finds favor in all he sets his hands to do, so please join me in praying for favor for Craig in all his endeavors.
Thank you for praying with us and for being a part of our miracle.
