Hope from Cranky Town!
I constantly pray this verse from Psalm 90:
Help us to remember that our days are numbered, and help us to interpret our lives correctly. Set your wisdom deeply in our hearts so that we may accept your correction. (V12, TPT)
I wrestle often with wanting life to matter - to live well, love well, and not let a moment be lost on things that don’t matter. Tonight, however, I took a trip to Cranky Town and broke the entire Ladd house with my evil eye and catastrophic grumbling. I texted my husband an apology from the nursery where I was simultaneously rocking the unsleepable baby and hosting a virtual ministry event. Yes, that’s who I was tonight.
I just found a journal entry I wrote exactly one year ago. At the time I wrote it, Benjamin was miserably fussy, and I was in incredible pain. We would find out a week later my milk supply had plummeted, I had mastitis, and our newborn was starving for nutrients. A year ago today, Chris was also spiraling down to his all-time lowest bout with depression, and our marriage was hard. But I still wrote this... (see below)
Tonight, my cranky, cross-eyed, chocolate-eating self is blown away that, a year ago, in a much harder season of life, I had at least one fleeting moment where God heard my prayer for wisdom and perspective. That is such a hope-filled reminder to me tonight that He sees us, He hears us, and He does give us the wisdom we ask for when we need it. Sometimes we don’t get it right for a moment, a night, or even a whole season of life, but we are loved by a God who is outside of time and space. He can help us to remember right now that our days are numbered and interpret our lives correctly. He sets wisdom deeply in our hearts and corrects our paths.
He answers our prayers. We may not see it or live according to it in every moment, but His grace abounds. Love you all!
May 11, 2019:
I’ll miss this one day.
Oh Mr. Benjamin, I am consumed with love for you. It’s hilarious to watch you stretch your tiny, squishy little body when you wake up. We’re captivated by every little face and sound you make. Right now, I have you wrapped up tight against my body, and you are making the cutest little sleep sounds after the very crankiest morning feeding. I’m consumed with love for you - even on your fussiest nights and when you insist on being awake at the exact times I would like to be asleep. You’ve been inconsolable in the evening hours these past few weeks of your short little life. But it’s all so fleeting. Each week brings something new.
This season is short. One day I will long for the ability to console your fussy little body. I will miss these faces and flailing arms you have no control over. I will even miss all your sounds.
I pray every day that God will give me wisdom, discernment and His strength to know how to parent you well. You belong to Him. I get to hold you for such a short time.
I imagine how God holds me when I fuss, wiggle and writhe. When I’m inconsolable for no reason and refuse to rest. The love of the Lord never gets tired or frustrated. There’s always more and more and more available to us. I pray that my heart will become a little more like that every single day because He created you for that. You deserve endless, unwavering love and care because Jesus died for you, sweet boy. I’ll love you forever. I’ll treasure every moment with you.
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