Know When to Hold 'Em. Know When to Fold 'Em.

I grew up in Texas. Country music was always on the radio, and my family played penny and nickel poker when we got together. Maybe that's why Kenny Rogers' lyrics played through my mind on Wednesday when I just didn't know what to do.

The brief backstory is that Benjamin is dealing with an unusual form of autism. His behavior changed suddenly and dramatically a month before Wyatt was born. At first, I attributed it to a new baby on the way, but the escalating mood and behavior issues were accompanied by other neurological signs that could not be ignored.

Soon we found ourselves trying to care for a newborn and watching something foreign develop in Benjamin at the same time. Some days felt like they would break me physically, mentally and emotionally. Now that we have a better understanding of what Benjamin is dealing with, there is MUCH more peace in the house as we seek out the help and new rhythms we need.

Here's how that played out Wednesday...

Benjamin is trying out a new play school this week that is focused on early intervention. Each day begins with a specialized therapy that helps connect his brain and body to rewrite neural pathways from an early age. I am deeply grateful God has placed us in a city with great help available. The school is right by our church too!

The new school is a very different experience than any Benjamin's had in his three little years of life, so you can imagine the amount of brain energy he's put into a new place, people and routines! After school on Wednesday, we were going to occupational therapy and the gym - both of which he LOVES. Then, Miss Yo was going to come over to play at 3:30pm.

In this, "What the heck is going on!?!" season, we've had a neighbor come in the late afternoons to babysit Benjamin while I pick up Lifa from school, make dinner and take care of Wyatt. Benjamin needs one-on-one attention to help him regulate when he can't do it himself, so Miss Yo helps us all during Benjamin's hardest part of the day. I had a friend from church scheduled to come over while Miss Yo was with Benjamin.

But he was already overstretched from the moment he woke up Wednesday morning. He's been enjoying his new school, but the morning drop-off was hard and emotional. I saw the glaze in his eyes when we entered occupational therapy and knew we needed to adapt. We skipped the gym and went straight home for "smoothies and special movie time". The afternoon crawled on with highs and lows.

At 3:20pm, I could sense disaster brewing. Every sign of being unregulated was showing. He was looking forward to playing with Miss Yo, but I suspected it wasn't going to go well. An internal battle waged within me. Benjamin was so excited to play with Miss Yo, and my talk with this friend was long overdue. Should I cancel it all? I didn't even know if I could handle both little boys alone with Benjamin's current state - and with my current state of sleeplessness from Wyatt's sleep regression! I waffled over what call to make. At 3:24pm, I called Miss Yo and canceled. I called my friend and canceled at 3:25pm. Both were undoubtedly almost to my front door.

It was time to shut down the house for the good of the people. I put Benjamin straight into a warm bath. We made it special with "bath tea and marshmallows", and he stayed there for two full hours. You gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em.

When he got out, he looked at me with big eyes and told me he needed to pee. Part of his sensory and anxiety issues is a fear of potty training. His two hour bath made a difference, though. For the first time EVER, that boy peed in the potty on Wednesday afternoon. And felt like a KING! We celebrated with a very special Hot Wheels prize, and every hard part of the day melted away.

I was mortified I had canceled on people at the last minute. I was wildly insecure about the disregulation I didn't know how to handle in Benjamin. I wrestled with lies that have been trying to gain ground in my mind, telling me I'm an unfit mother if I'm worried I can't manage my own kids for a few hours.

But Benjamin went to bed surrounded with Hot Wheels, filled with pride, and repeating his nightly declarations with a huge, well-loved smile. "I am Benjamin Ladd. I am loved by God. I have the mind of Christ."

I wish I knew how to handle things better and not let a single ball drop. For a long time I could. But things are so far out of my control and capacity now that the greatest lesson I'm learning is knowing when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em. I'm so thankful that, as Kenny Rogers twangs through my mind, the One who helps me know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em is readily available to me at all times and in all things. And He gives me so much more than I could ask, think, dream or imagine.

And yes, yes I do know that song is about gambling.