I wanted to exclusively breastfeed so badly. I wanted a squishy baby, enriched by the supernatural nutrition from my body. The first few weeks were perfect. Normal newborn exhaustion, joy and the generalised sense of “I have no idea what I’m doing!” We nicknamed Benjamin “Big Chunk” because he was gaining so much weight. Then, I started having extreme pain in my breasts during and after feeds. Long-lasting, lightning pain. Personality altering pain. My milk was obstructed due to a cocktail of  stress-induced tension and a hormonal imbalance. The less milk that flowed, the more pain there was. Simultaneously, Benjamin stopped making gains. His weight fell severely under the line, which compounded stress and meant he needed to feed more. Thus, a problematic cycle was born.

Our stories anchor us. They shape our values, and help us find where we fit. 

We need to hear them, know them and practice them. We need the opportunity to write redemption into them where we need it, and sprinkle celebration through our self-images. 

We’ve got a lot going on in the Ladd house this week… I’ve created a baby clothes organization system, baked and stockpiled Chris’ favorite granola, and filled our freezer with meals. Nothing to worry about over here - the people will be clothed and fed. My husband has become even more super- cleaning up after dinner, taking Lifa to run errands, and not judging my newly developed waddle. Lifa has discovered he’s a song-writing and puzzle-solving champ during the first week and a half of his school holiday while he tries to curb his anxious waiting. We are waiting and expecting….

The Ladd house typically runs like a well-oiled machine. There are colour-coded calendars, two-week study projections, and weekly meal plans with dinner ingredients stored in the “Do Not Touch” drawer of the refrigerator. We’ve found our family’s flow by implementing routine, order and life-giving family dinners in the midst of a nation filled with unexpecteds….

This weekend, I had the most beautiful, wonderful, lovely baby shower! My darling friend, Kelly asked me months ago if she could host it for me. Even then, it took my breath away. Somewhere in a subconscious vector of my mind, I had written in some self-protecting mechanisms. I’d created disclaimers for myself and others to minimise expectations and disappointments.

I initially felt disappointed when there were not enough participants for the Personal Growth Course I was scheduled to teach it at [Arise Family Centre](https://arisefamily.org). Only two ladies showed up for the first scheduled class last week, so instead of using notebooks, whiteboards and therapeutic techniques, we pulled up chairs and chatted.

I knew one lady well. I spent a good amount of time with Granny V before.

It’s one-jillion degrees in Cape Town today, and humidity is on the rise. (Hallelujah! Rain is on the way!!!) As I write this, I’m still in my gym clothes and sitting crossed-legged in a camp chair at Lifa’s rugby practice. I’ve kicked off my shoes in effort to cool down and am set up to spend the next hour writing you story from Arise’s family center. But a one-liner from the rugby field just threw me off course.

I was trembling with the possibility. This was it. Resolution was at hand. Urgently. We spent an hour in the board room, reviewing the court appeal and asking questions. Lifa tried to look convincing “studying” next to me - but was actually gaping at our larger-than-life lawyer with his fast flowing  legal jargon. I initialed every single page of the appeal in a room stacked high with folders and appeals, and we were sent on our way to wait. Urgently waiting. 

It was not what I expected. 

We are the Ladd Family. We sold everything and moved to Africa to serve people. We leap over tall buildings and save people all.day.long. THE WORLD recently wrote us a letter and said, “Thank you for changing me.” None of that is true.

Most days, we do a lot of what you do. Only it takes us a lot longer. Like a trip to the grocery store… you don’t even know. 

Miracles display the glory of God. I want in on that. This post is more of an invitation than a story. I’d like to invite you to send your miracle-request and know I’m going to write it down. I will stand for your miracle with you. On the days you just can’t pray for it, you’ll know it’s covered. I’ll guard it with the sanctity it deserves and not share it with others. And I’ll celebrate every heaven-opening victory with you as you share it with me. I can’t wait!!!

We went on our second hospital tour yesterday. During our first hospital tour, we sipped fruit-infused water, and Lifa ate fresh cookies from the hospital chef. I pregnant-cried over the intimacy of care, and Chris dreamt of bringing his parents there to see the baby. Lifa put all his attention into his coloring project, desperately trying not to hear body part words.

All three of us found comfort when we were taken into the labor and delivery rooms. Lifa (who’s visited some very scary hospitals with me in the past) said, “This doesn’t smell like what I thought it would. It looks like a hotel. I’m jealous you and Dad get to stay here!” (I quickly reminded him that I’d be pushing an entire human out of a very small part of my body while his grandparents were spoiling him. Jealousy immediately subsided.)

There have been moments when I thought the 2-year visa journey was going to break me, and now I find encouragement and a little steady reminder from God. “The timing is perfect. We had to get you to right here, Kacy, to see the fulfillment. You wouldn’t know me so well if you hadn’t needed me so much. I wouldn’t have so much of your heart and you wouldn’t have given me so much of the soles of your feet”.

I woke up to my first South African sunrise exactly nine years ago from today. I was ready for anything on January 15, 2010 – and sure it would be the most fantastical 6 months that my 25 years of life had ever known.

I couldn’t have guessed I’d still be here 9 years later living out an entirely different adventure with a handsome Tennessee husband, a dashing South African 6th grader, and a sweet baby ninja-boy growing inside me. The most fantastical thing I did in South Africa today was learn how to make my own yogurt… which turned out amazingly!

There are so many people trying to figure out who they are going to be in 2019. And then there’s Lifa.

We’ve entered puberty, guys. I’m just going to be real – we’ve got some highly awkward, moody, broody moments in the Ladd house these days. If anything can mess with your sense of identity, it’s those raging adolescent hormones and embarrassing body changes.

The Year of the Brave was full of life, loss, conquering, crying, incredible need, and being met in that need by the God who holds it all.  

In the Year of the Brave, we won rugby “Forward of the Year”, learned how to swim, worked so hard academically, and doubled the size of our family – two in heaven and one growing right here with his mama.

I can think of no better way to complete this week of looking back at God’s faithfulness than with a miracle! This story from November 2012 celebrates being a part of one of many food multiplications I’ve been able to watch God do. He is so good, and He never runs short. Remember that this weekend in whatever you find yourself doing!

Today's blast from the past is from Lifa's first trip to the ocean in 2012. He doesn't remember it, and I remember being right in the middle of some of the hardest emotional turmoil of my life. I didn't know what would happen to Lifa the following year. LOOK AT US NOW! Praise God! And look at where you are now - Praise God! And seriously, this story is worth reading for the pics. Because he was CUTE.

Almost 5 years ago, I wrote a blog about "What I Didn't Know 4 Years Ago." I can't believe I've almost been in South Africa for 9 years! I still remember the power in writing those words as I reflected over my first 4 years here. If I wrote today about what I didn't know 9 years ago... well, you better be glad you can just read it one short story at a time! Read my story, and then take a minute and look back on where you were 4 years ago. And think about how far God has brought you!

Today I remembered allllll the way back to 2010 when I first met Lifa. Here's the first story I ever wrote about him - when I thought I was just charmed by his guava-lovin' smile and would only know him for a short season of life. It's hilarious that I even finished the post jokingly saying, "Mom, can I keep him?" You just never know what God's intentions are for the people He sets in your path. Love them well today. Check out this post for pics of sweet baby Lifa at 2 years old!

REPOST FROM APRIL 9, 2010

I'm so excited about this week! In my previous story (Learning How To High School), I shared my current battle between reasoning, questioning and just plain remembering what is TRUE by remembering what God has brought us through. I'm celebrating God's faithfulness and welcoming in even more of His goodness this week by reaching back into the archives and posting stories on our website that have never been seen there before! This is one a personal favorite... and it's about CAKE! Please enjoy this story from August 24, 2014.