It seems like modern society is more sensitive to accessibility than ever before. Smartphones come with features to support visual and hearing impairments. There are laws for structures and hiring to give every person an opportunity to access life in the fullest way possible.

We make decisions in our family to help our autistic son maintain access himself and important relationships. Even Christmas is accommodated so he can stay fully-engaged and our other children can enjoy him, each other and the reason for the holiday throughout the entire day.

Our five-year old son has been talking about his end of year school concert for months. I took my seat in the concert hall this week, shouldering months of subconscious dread. His preschool is for children with special needs. I feared the toll performance pressure would take on the kids, overstimulation, and unlimited unknowns. I was overcome with the sheer possibility of our son feeling like he was physically unable to do something he really wanted to do, a familiar kind of torment.

I've started compiling a collection of the Friday Calls to Worship for publishing. I never intended for a 300-word message to go beyond a WhatsApp to a few friends. It's been surprisingly encouraging to dip into the archives, walking week by week through a pandemic with a younger version of me, one who didn't yet know she was also in the thick of special needs parenting. It all started because I spent an enormous amount of time lying next to my toddler between 2020 -2022. I had to wait for him to be in a deep sleep and tiptoe out of his room….

I planned a walk in the forest today. Wyatt loves a good nature walk, and Benjamin comes back to himself as we gulp in wonder and fresh air. Benjamin crumbled to the floor in tears when I told him our wonderful plans. My knee-jerk reaction is simultaneous overwhelm and frustration. His personal implosions demands, “Help me. I am unhelpable”.

I've lived in Cape Town for almost eight years. That's the longest I've lived anywhere since I was 18. We got dealt a few hard blows upon arrival in the city we left everything for... so hard my stomach twisted in knots at the sight of that big, beautiful Table Mountain.

Eight years later, I've learned to love this city through the lens of special needs parenting and "a church to call home, a family to call our own". I know how the weather changes based on what side of the mountain you're on, to check tide times and wind speeds, and how to navigate the traffic.

Benjamin crashed my post-workout stretch session this morning... and things progressed from there. A 10-minute kids workout on the iPad unlocked joy, bouncing, bonding and healing movement. Our Jammer has been in a hard-ish season for a while - which is quite a euphemism, really. We’re all giving it our best, and we all sometimes flip out and see our worst. In his hard-ish times, Benjamin struggles with proprioception, interoception... all kinds of -ceptions. The way we spell it out in our house is “having trouble taking control of your body.” The details are not for the Internet, but it’s not easy to watch, parent or live with if we’re being honest.

Today was 80% temper tantrums, 10% time outs (including the big people putting ourselves in time out!), 5% prep for dress up day at Southpoint Church and 5% a nature shakeout at Kirstenbosch. I worry for Lifa on days like these. I think about his friends who hang out with kids their own age and whose families don't have to accommodate to nap times or special needs.

Saturdays are tricky at the Ladd house. There's excitement for Lifa's rugby game, church events to participate in, and hopes for an afternoon nap before a busy Sunday. It should also be noted that the whole house is usually in full-on crazy mode by 6am. (Except for Lifa because 16-year olds can sleep through anything.)

Benjamin's nervous system is zapped after the school week, yet he's brimming with hope and expectations for the best Saturday of his life... every single Saturday.

Parenting has a way of humbling you. It's amazing how quickly I started doing the things I said I'd never do as a parent. You know what helped me be ok with that? The bigger picture.