“What about me?” It’s my weakness. My personal poison. The selfish place that blinds me in the blink of an eye. I ask it when a reckless taxi cuts me off on the highway, while I’m meeting all the needs and never getting around to my own, when there are misunderstandings in marriage, and when I dare let myself think on the tangles of South Africa’s Department of Home Affairs.

Me; “If you could only have 2 kinds of drinks and 4 kinds of food for the rest of your life, what would they be?”

Me: “Water and coffee. Chicken, kale, oats and peanut butter,”

Lifa: “Water and bubble tea. Sushi, chimichanga, Mom’s BBQ pulled pork, and that cheesey sandwich thing we order.” (Pork, pineapple, cheese trammezini from a local restaurant.)

We harshly judged each other’s answers, and I informed him that he would be coming to me begging me for nutrition in less than two weeks.

Lockdown Level 3

Today South Africa’s lockdown conditions have shifted from Level 4 to Level 3. That means more businesses are able to open, WE GET TO EXERCISE ANYTIME WE WANT (from 6am - 6pm instead of 6am - 9am), and schools... Guys... schools.

We started yesterday with devastation. Today is the day Lifa was supposed to return to school.

Have you had one of those mornings where you CAN NOT GET OUT THE DOOR!?! It’s very cold and rainy here, and we are only allowed out of the house between 6-9am for exercise. Chris is making a hard-earned comeback from a hamstring injury and goes on a solo run every morning. I am in charge of the broken elbows and the toddler, plus all the essential items like rain gear, rice cakes, face masks, and locking down the house. I took this photo to represent one entire hour of very active preparation to leave the house for a 30-minute walk.

Here’s a firsthand interview with Lifa on the highs and lows of his quarantine experience.

Mom: Lifa, it’s been 76 days since you’ve been to school. How do you feel about that?

Lifa:I feel ready to go back to school. I feel like we haven’t been to school since time began... like, it’s been a long time. (With nervous smile) I feel kind of tired of... well, I’ll just say of being at home.

I didn’t know what to do with a newborn. I needed my mom. Lifa needed his mom. My body and my husband’s mental health were shutting down. I desperately sought refuge in God’s Word through the YouVersion Bible app - the easiest thing to hold onto while caring for a baby. I found incredible encouragement through a plan by the Help Club for Moms there and decided to do a little research on their website.

Suddenly, there was help! There were moms! There was hope! I didn’t know how much moms needed moms and people needed hope until I ran out - until I was stuck half a world away from my mom and didn’t know how to be the mom to the kids living at my house.

Today is a day that calls for giggles and chocolate! My mom spent approximately 12 people’s life savings’ to ship a package to South Africa during a global pandemic. Chris and I ordered dorky stationary stuff, I needed a chili powder restock, and Mom put the GoGo love in for the kids. That package also included the gift NaNa bought for Benjmain’s 1st Christmas and enough NaNa love to leave me cry-voiced and speechless for the whole day.

Ironic - and pitiful - truth: This weekend, I spent two full nights wide awake because I was worried about Lifa. (Broken elbow story here!) The ironic part about that is I was up hoping and praying we could keep him comfortable, meet his needs, and give him an extra boost of love and care while he recovers. But during the day, when the rest of the humans were awake, I was so exhausted that I didn’t want to prepare meals because I couldn’t bear the sound of any of them chewing. I’m not proud of this. I’m just being honest.

Literally... fast facts. Chris and I are fast-fans! The fasting we often choose is to consume zero calories for spiritual, mental, emotional and/or physical purposes for an extended period of time. I am just about to break a 3-day fast, but I wanted to sit down with you first and tell you about it.

Wet bicycle tires. Cycling with dogs on a leash. Oncoming car. Moment of panic. Squeezes front brakes by mistake.... Lifa went flying. Poor Lifa took a big, hard hit yesterday when he flew over his bicycle handlebars and fractured BOTH elbows.

Ladd men, secure your headphones. Mom’s going in. Pray for me!

I’ve been thinking a lot about blessings and choosing what kind of legacy to write into your family and the generations ahead of you. I don’t want to react to my life and see what people say about it at the end. I want to write the blessings I want to impart on my children and grandchildren in advance. I think it will help me stick to the script as life happens.

Or is it just my family?

Our sleep routine is nuts. Our baby is getting weirder by the moment. I’m turning all of our produce into brownies. And we are laughing so much because... what else are you going to do!?!

Cape Town, you are a beautiful city. We cannot wait to bask in the sunshine on your beaches, breathe in your fresh mountain air, wave at your flamingos, and, most of all, watch your lovely people come out and live fully and freely in the city we all adore. Keep well, Cape Town. We can’t wait to play with you again!

Welcome to Ladd Family real life. If you were one of the 124,872 actual flies in our house today, you might have been a witness to one of these scenarios:

Sunday, on a morning walk-jog, using buffs as face masks:

Lifa: “DO YOU SMELL THAT TRASH!?!”

Me: “Lifa, I think you have forgotten what fresh air smells like.”

NaNa love was the very best kind of love. It wrote a legacy through generations by doing exactly what love is supposed to do: it taught us how to love and be loved. NaNa love made it safe to screw up and never question your worth. It laughed and celebrated. It was a busy love that never stopped thinking about you and had a constant Dollar Store collection in the closet with your name on it. NaNa love insisted on feeding you- whether the food has expired or not. It never had to look for a silver lining because it could only reflect back the shining gold you didn’t even know was in you.

Tonight, my cranky, cross-eyed, chocolate-eating self is blown away that, a year ago, in a much harder season of life, I had at least one fleeting moment where God heard my prayer for wisdom and perspective. That is such a hope-filled reminder to me tonight that He sees us, He hears us, and He does give us the wisdom we ask for when we need it. Sometimes we don’t get it right for a moment, a night, or even a whole season of life, but we are loved by a God who is outside of time and space. He can help us to remember right now that our days are numbered and interpret our lives correctly. He sets wisdom deeply in our hearts and corrects our paths.

Training with David Sandala: He brings you to the end of yourself, and then adds a drop set. He helps you destroy your own personal records, and then tells you to pick up weights for your power jumps. My hands are destroyed, and my body is tired. But I feel amazing! I deadlifted 100kg (220 pounds) FOUR TIMES! That’s almost two Lifas!

I’m done thinking about “new normals”, looking to the past, or worrying about the future. I’m thinking about who I want to become and what steps I can take toward that now. Cue: glitter tape.