It’s 5:23am... I’ve had the whole house to myself for an hour. I’m full of coffee, worship music, and a good old fashioned quiet time. All by myself. In actual quiet. This one little power hour (plus about 9,000mg of caffeine) has me all jazzed up. I started by reading a devotion from the Help Club for Moms book ( If you’re a mom, any kind of mom, click that link and get that book!) I was re-inspired to create life-giving prayer habits and then read about faith heroes in Hebrews 11. I ended up with a long list of things I want to do and want to be...

There are so many voices, so many versions of the “truth” out there. But the REAL Truth, the truth of Jesus, will set you free. I have so many thoughts in a day... in a minute. Right before I sat down to write this, I took a shower to wake up my tired eyes and felt a thousand untested thoughts wash over me instead.

Today, I broadcasted a teaching for Help Club for Moms all over the world. I wanted to speak specifically to those of us who feel like it’s hard to “get it right”, there’s always something slipping away from us, there’s never enough of us to get it all done. I wanted to speak truth and some practical real life into dismantling, chaotic thoughts. You don’t have to be a mama to relate to that!

I want to tell you about a short series of small events that have turned into something of epic proportions. A couple of weeks ago, Chris’ visa renewal application was denied. It felt like a step far, far, farrrrr away from the prayers we’ve been praying for our family’s documentation for the last three years.

We’ve been winning all week! Not by circumstance, but by heart posture. (And with coffee… and not all the time.) I hope you’ve a winning week too, even if it was just one win.

Another way to find a win is to remember your other wins. Remember God’s faithfulness. Remember Jesus left heaven for earth because you are worth dying for. Can you remember a time when you felt like you couldn’t and God did? Or can you remember a time that was absolutely ridiculous, and you still came out ok? That’s what I’m remembering today!

If you have been a friend of the Ladd family for long, you probably know about our visa issues. If you’re new here, HI!!! We’re so glad you’re here! The short version: My volunteer visa has been stuck in various pipes of the legal system for years. Yes, years. Because of that, neither of our children have birth certificates, passports or the documents they need to travel or have basic rights. Chris has been the only one able to travel for the last 4 1/2 years and has only been to America for a few short days during that time to officiate his brother’s wedding.

Remember that darling blog I wrote yesterday called “Benjamin’s Best Monday”? All those sweet plans and prayers? Anybody want to know how Monday really played out in my house?

It’s Fridayyyyyyy! The baby is asleep, and the big boys are watching YouTube videos and playing Minecraft in the living room. I am in Chris’ office with a candle and “drippy rain” noises playing my headphones. I’m trying to get in the zone to write one more blog for the week. Friday night blogs can be tough. I’m ready to start the weekend, but I’ve given it my very best since May to write every day, Monday - Friday. AND I’VE DONE IT! Every single Friday, I feel like removing my eye balls and disappearing into a bathtub with a dark chocolate bonbon. But, even now, I love that I’m doing it.

We (Benjamin and I) have been up since 3am!!!!! All the exclamation points are from the coffee!!!!!! Today I’m sharing a story I wrote for Help Club for Moms as we read the “Love Your Husband Challenge” reading plan on YouVersion.

Two steps forward and one step back... Sometimes it seems like one step forward and four back... anybody with me?

I started online personal training with David in April… I haven’t given up. I feel myself getting stronger. I’m healthier and in better shape than I’ve ever been. But there’s a bully in my brain that tells me I’m not doing well enough, not pushing hard enough, and not ever going to make it further than where I am right now because of all those setbacks. Surely every other person in the world reaches goals without an off week or two, right? I should be breaking personal records every single week, right?

Hey wives or future wives! The Help Club for Moms is reading the Love Your Husband Challenge YouVersion Bible reading plan right now. Jump in with us! It’s only a 9-day plan, and we’re spreading it out over 3 weeks, so you’ve got plenty of time. Check out www.helpclubformoms.com for more info! I wanted to share something I wrote for Help Club with you. If you’re not a wife, pass it on to one! Love you guys!

I had so much fun this evening with the Help Club mamas! The wild winter storm outside downgraded the quality of the video, but the audio was just fine. It was so special to have a semblance of sisterhood in my frigid bedroom a billion miles away from my actual sister.

I LOVE Cape Town! I love South Africa! I love living here with my family. And I haven’t seen my mom or sis in almost five years. Many people who have played intricate roles in shaping me have never met my children. With a global pandemic in full throttle, 4th of July snuck by me this year and social isolation is kicking homesickness into high gear.

We live here! We know those storms! We just went 24 hours without electricity last week because of them! A quick google search on this revealed that the actual Portuguese translation for the “Cape of Storms” could also be read “Cape of Torment”. The very same cape as the Cape of Good Hope. You could say it depends on the day, the wind, the weather. Or it could be the perspective and experience you bring. But you know what else... it could just be what you decide to call it.

Yesterday I took Benjamin to the forest for the first time. It took just a few breaths of crisp mountain air and a couple crunchy steps to decide: Yes, he was going be the king of this forest. And, just like that, the world got one more Ladd man to chase down mountain trails. Benjamin wanted to run through waterfalls and giggled as gravity pulled him down the mountain path, no matter how much my glutes were screaming, “We just pushed a stroller and a small human UP this path. It is NOT time to go down yet!”

I recently told Lifa about the stages of Benjamin’s development he has to look forward to. “Wait until we hit the ‘WHYS!” Lifa shook his head and walked away while I recounted his own “WHY” phase, pounding out every “why” with a wooden spoon in my hand. I explained to Lifa how important the”whys” were and how amazing it is to watch a child’s world expand with just a question. (And how you’d do anything to lock yourself in the bathroom with dark chocolate and noise-canceling headphones to not hear the word “why” one.more.time.)

Last night was one of those nights. I was up the WHOLE night, gripped with unexplainable panic. Sometimes those nights become beautiful nights of prayer. And some nights they are just long and painful becauseI can’t kick the claws of anxiety. I get frustrated with myself and start a vicious cycle of getting anxious about being anxious. Then sleep is impossible. It doesn’t happen often anymore, but last night was one of those disappointingly, long nights.

Yesterday was a low day in the Ladd house. The smallest crisis was that I planned the entire day around going to pick up an oven rack - sending measurements to the shop after getting my call dropped 38 times, locking boys in car parked right outside of the shop so they would stay virus-free, waiting in a social distancing line to get into shop, the whole thing - AND THE OVEN RACK WAS THE WRONG SIZE WHEN WE GOT HOME. We’ve lived one full year in this rental home with a very small oven with one rack. I often make dinner in shifts starting at 6am. Something has to be done. According to me. Nobody else’s life was affected that much by my crisis. Chris was on a run and then had a great meeting, and Lifa and Benjamin cackled in the car while listening to the third Lord of the Rings book. This actually has nothing to do with the rest of my story.

“What about me?” It’s my weakness. My personal poison. The selfish place that blinds me in the blink of an eye. I ask it when a reckless taxi cuts me off on the highway, while I’m meeting all the needs and never getting around to my own, when there are misunderstandings in marriage, and when I dare let myself think on the tangles of South Africa’s Department of Home Affairs.